Hedge Your Bets

 

 

I was lied to!!!!!

 

Since when could this:

Ever conceivably be this?

It was originally inducted here on the spurious claims of yellow infusion.   

Yellow??

 

Similarly this:

To this

 

QUE???

Monstrous

It is advisable to buy plants only when in flower, as that way you can see exactly what you’re getting and avoid any disappointments or nasty surprises.  I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised.  They do it with supermodels after all, Photoshop and airbrush them out of all recognition that is; but best to hedge your bets and beware the misleading plant labels and newspaper adverts as the photography is, more often than not, allowed rather more leniency than is strictly accurate. 

 

Time and again I’ve bought something depicted with a golden radiance bordering on the divine, only to discover when it flowers that the hue in reality is rather more of an unprepossessing murky mustardish sludge.  Having warned others off similarly ill-judged purchases, I, in a moment of weakness recently made the mistake of getting carried away with a newspaper offer. 

 

Such offers usually receive a determined swerve as they often seek to entice by offering multiple purchases, ie: 18 peonies say, for the price of only 12.  If you’ve barely got room to squeeze in one or two what use would any small time urban/suburban gardener have for all these multiples?  They do it every week, 36 fuchsias, well I only want 6, at a push, probably 3 is nearer to the truth – someone must be buying them though, 'spose?!!? 

Anyway, off topic, as this purchase wasn't inspired by quantity but by beguiling, lusciously lithe and radiant blooms. 

So this Daily Telegraph (named and shamed) deal did seem on the face of it pretty hot to trot

Six bearded irises = £15,

and what’s a girl to do – we’re only flesh and blood after all. 

Out came the credit card. 

 

Fast forward >>>

Nothing arrived for some weeks. 

And then it continued not to arrive for some further weeks. 

So emails were exchanged with the supplier and eventually a box appeared.

In lieu of pot grown material I was prepared for something vapidly insipid to tip up but what actually trickled along was beyond pathetic. 

Six rhizomes in a plastic bag. 

 

Plastic bag!!!!

 

Not sure that any life form is ever best served by spending an episode of its existence inside a plastic bag.  When purchasing irises either retail or via mail-order it isn’t strictly necessary to receive a pot dwelling subject.  A mere rhizome, if stored and packed correctly is acceptable.  Acceptable that is if it’s fleshy and looking like it’s burgeoning with life and raring to grow.  But what we received garnered more the appearance of a collection of 3,000 year old petrified turds harvested from a Pharaoh’s tomb. 

 

Here they are.  Had to mark each one with a stick after planting for fear of losing them among the mud or mistaking them for a rear end cat contribution.  Since planting a month ago a couple have deigned to sprout, but the rest, I’m not sanguine.  Doesn’t make it such an attractive offer if what you thought you were buying was a collection of six healthy plants for £15 and what you end up with is six shoddy rhizomes, four of which turn out to be completely non-viable.  

 

The newspaper offer looked similar to this:

LUSCIOUS

 

 

The reality is this: 

 

 

Look at this dismal thing.  It’s been in there over a month and is barely the size of a thumb. 

 

Appearing completely devoid of life as it does, (ever the optimist) I’m still loathe to disturb it perchance there is some impressive root activity taking place.  Although in this current incarnation it doesn't appear as though it's harbouring any imminent plans to host a spectacular and bountiful mardis gras any time soon. 

 

Yes, I know – should have sent them all back, but instead planted them immediately in the futile hope that in the absence of a defibrillator and a crash cart this would revive their fortunes.  And yes indeedy a couple have exhibited some signs of life.  The rest perhaps are busily developing a robust root system and will show outward signs of development later on – or not. 

£ for £ it would have made more sense economically to have bought a couple of garden centre pot grown specimens at £6 or £7 each rather than six for £15 which are unlikely to flower this side of the next millennium, if ever.  

 

 

Let's rendez vous back here for the next post Diary July
WHEN THERE’S EVEN MORE SHOCKING NEWS TO COME!!!!!!!!